five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
