Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
