Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
