tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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