Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She announced her abortion via fbk
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
