My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
