u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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