I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
