We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
