I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
