Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
