We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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