you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
