I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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