Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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