She is in my trunk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
