when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
