you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
