Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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