Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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