Can Purell be used as lube?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
