pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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