so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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