Small penises have feelings too.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
