i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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