I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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