The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
