During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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