waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
