you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize