i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
