It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
