I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
