Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
