So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
