HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
