So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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