I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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