saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
