They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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