the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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