Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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