U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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