I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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