Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
40s are totally the cure
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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