hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
