we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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