I didn't shave. On purpose
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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