Please, let me fuck your mom
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
