guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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