Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
