So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
