Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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