yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
