I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
