wanna go halves on a baby?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I die, sorry about rent.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
