he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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