i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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