Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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